Red vs Blue Characters
by Trisket Trange
Summary: The bios and stuff for every character in Red vs Blue.
1. Leonard Church

**I got these from RoosterTooths. Its the bios for the charries of R v. B.**

**Pvt. Leonard Church**

Apparently, he's the leader of the blue team. He just might be the smartest person in Blood Gulch, as well as a severe wiseass. He also seems to be the closest thing the blues have to a sniper, though he's really not very good with the rifle at all. It's actually pretty ironic that he's stuck with Tucker and Caboose, because he hates both of them with a passion.

Church was a little spoiled as a child. He grew up in Texas, and was used to getting exactly what he wanted, which shortened his temper significantly. He was also raised by people who knew what they were doing with their lives, and who worked hard to progress in the direction they'd chosen. Private Church has very little patience with stupidity, or with people doing/saying things that just don't make sense.

While back in Texas, Church dated Tex. Unfortunately, his overall bitter demeanor wasn't exactly the most attractive to her, and she went to find companionship elsewhere. This only made Church more bitter, and caused him to be a little less trusting of people in general. He still loves her though, and is trying to get her back.

Before being stationed in Blood Gulch, Church found himself on Sidewinder, the ice planet. Standard practice there was to bitch about the cold and wait for some action, so it came as quite a surprise when Tex was hired to murder his entire team in front of his eyes.

Actually, it's probably a very good thing for him that he got stuck in Blood Gulch after that with the rest of the blues. During his time there he's realised that in general, things _don't_ make sense, so there's no point fretting about them. Of course, getting blown up by Caboose probably helped to put things in perspective a little bit as well.

If it had only come down to dying, Church would have been okay. Unfortuantely for him, bad things just keep happening to him. After he dies, he learns to manifest himself as a ghost in white armor. After all, what self respecting ghost would show up in blue?

As a ghost, he learns that he can posess the living (and robots). His first time in someone else's body, who happened to be Sarge from the red team, Caboose shot him in the head. When he posesses the robot Lopez, he finds out the hard way that he can only speak Spanish. Then, when he's finally able to speak English again, Caboose paralyzes the robot he's in from the waist down. It's safe to say that Caboose isn't getting a Christmas card from Church any time soon.

Once Church had left the robot Lopez's body so his team could persuade it to fix itself, Lopez did just that, and the ran away. Church was forced to find another body. It was quite fortuitous for him when Sarge, from the Red Team, made two robots at his demand to exchange for a captured Donut. One of them happened to be Cobalt colored, so Church promptly slid in its body.

Little did Church know he would end up going through the Red teleporter to Sidewinder, where he'd be taken captive by his old rivals the Sidewinder Reds. Even less did Church know that the robot body he was occupying contained a ten megaton bomb. And even _less_ did Church know that Caboose would end up triggering his body's countdown sequence. After the bars to his jail cell with Grif mysteriously raised, Church exploded, blowing up the present.

He was sent back to the 8-bit world of Marathon, where he met a computer named Gary that mistook him for the Great Destroyer. After convincing Gary that he was not in fact the Great Destroyer, Church recorded a message for Caboose (who _is_ the Great Destroyer) and promptly asked Gary to create a teleporter to send him back to Blood Gulch. A thousand years and a long white beard later, this task was completed, and Church found himself back in Blood Gulch to try to fix the situation.

Unfortunately, he soon discovered he himself was the cause of all the problems. In his efforts to give Lopez's body a bigger switch, he damaged the switch Lopez received. In trying to stop Captain Flowers from having a heart attack, he instead _caused_ the heart attack. Things got really bad for him when he discovered he was the one responsible for his own death at the hands of Caboose, due to his disabling of Sheila's friendly-fire protocol. He's also the one who left Caboose the sniper rifle to shoot him in the head with when he was possessing Sarge.

Yes, it turns out Church was indeed the cause of everything that went wrong in Blood Gulch, which was ironically the precise set of things he was trying to prevent from happening. Then he tried to stop the bomb from blowing up, discovered Caboose's mind for abstract thought, replicated himself at least 872 times, got urinated on by a giant animal on Sidewinder, then gave up the ghost and accepted that no matter what he could think of, he'd just end up in exactly the same scenario the next time around. After that he ended up in the future, just like everyone else.

Except for maybe Vic.

Once in the future, he was operating on the assumption that Caboose was The Great Destroyer. He did his best to steer Caboose away from anything important, trying to be as careful as possible, only to discover that The Great Destroyer isn't Caboose at all. At least, not necessarily...


	2. Michael J Caboose

**Pvt. Michael J. Caboose**

He's the blue team's rookie. When he first arrives in Blood Gulch, he's enthusiastic, if a bit slow. Still, he tries to do what was best for the team, and does what he's told. He's also ridiculously strong, which comes in handy sometimes.

Caboose's parents always had high hopes for him. They really wanted an actor in the family, so they named him after their favorite one: Michael J. Fox. Unfortunately, they never did enough research to find out Michael J. Fox's middle name, so rather than make something up and have it be wrong, they made his middle name the letter J itself. They also got him in the habit of using his full name when introducing himself, in order to sound all impressive. Unfortunately, the only acting Caboose was ever any good at was faking an interest in the military, which is how he got stationed in Blood Gulch.

Caboose believes in always having a girlfriend, never a wife. Like Hugh Heffner, only without the money or the women. He came to the Gulch fresh out of military school, where they didn't actually tell him about the situation he'd be going in to. He had no idea he was going to be fighting a bunch of red guys, and inadvertently gave the red rookie Donut their flag, thinking he was the blue team's General.

Unfortunately for him, Church and Tucker call him a moron so often that it sticks. In a surprisingly short time, most of the intelligence he may once have had ends up vanishing, leaving him as an idiot. Ironically, he's the only person who figures out where the interactive tutorial is for the tank, and hence the only one who knows how to control it.

Learning how to drive the tank ends up being the low point of Caboose's life, because he accidentally blows up Church with it. In his defense, it wasn't _entirely_ his fault; he lost control of the tank, which subsequently went seeking targets and found Church. With the friendly-fire protocol disabled, the tank was able to kill him indiscriminately. This unfortunate twist of fate gave Caboose a new-found goal: _Earn Church's Respect, and Try to Impress Him._

It turns out it's very difficult to earn Church's respect when you're in love with a tank. Shortly after blowing up Church, Caboose is forced to bail out of the tank to avoid getting murdered during an air strike. This closeness draws him very close to Sheila, who also gains a fondness for him because nobody else has been inside her.

As tends to happen to people destined for misfortune, things end up going from bad to worse for our friend Caboose. When the homicidal A.I. O'Malley leaves Tex's armor, it enters Caboose's, making him more and more aggressive. O'Malley takes so much control over him that Church and Tex have to go inside his head and kill it. By the time that's done, Caboose's mental image of Church is dead, causing him to have no idea who this strange person bossing him around is. Fortunately for Caboose, he would soon build new memories, and things would return to normal.

When the A.I. left Caboose's body, it entered Doc's, which eventually forced the Blues and Reds to work together. Caboose went through the Red teleporter with Sarge in pursuit of the diabolical computer code, but came out in some other place where people seemed to be immortal. They were caught in a seemingly endless cycle of attack and retaliation, murder and death. At this time, Caboose would finally discover that a piece of O'Malley was still inside him, giving him the ability to be very angry and say weird things.

After defeating the bizarre forces wherever he was, he went through a teleporter reprogrammed by Simmons to take Sarge and Caboose to Simmons' current location, where Sarge let him press a button to contact Donut. Then Caboose pressed another button that triggered Church's self destruct with a ten megaton bomb, killing him yet again. Church's explosion destroyed the present, catapulting everyone through time. Caboose ended up in the future, where things are very shiny, and where Tucker is blamed for destroying the present. Stupid Private Tucker.

After taking credit for finding the Warthog that Donut found, he ended up meeting with Tex with the Reds, and being conscripted to carry the bomb Tex had prepared for blowing up the base. After planting it, he found Church in the computer, and was told that he's supposed to be The Great Destroyer. It turns out, however, that he's not the dumbest creature in the Universe after all. Go figure.


	3. Lavernius Tucker

**Pvt. Lavernius Tucker**

He talks a big game, but just about everyone knows he's all talk and no play, despite the fact he may or may not be black. As the Gulch's resident swinger wanna-be, he spends a lot of his time thinking about girls, and jacking off behind his rock. He's actually really fixated on them, it's pretty much all he ever thinks about. Too bad for him Tex won't sleep with him.

Of course, he's been pursuing women for quite some time now. In fact, he was _so_ focused on women all through high school that he actually failed grade 9 math twice. The only thing he wants nearly as much as women, is to use the sniper rifle. It really pisses him off that he's the only official member of the blue team that doesn't get to use it.

He was supposed to be getting one of his own, too. Captain Flowers was just about to put in a request for Tucker's rifle when he suddenly dropped dead of a massive Aspirin-induced heart attack. Ever since that day, he just hasn't been the same. Even when it looks like he should be able to collect someone else's rifle, fate always seems to conspire against him, even if "fate" means "a really cool fucking sword."

Actually, compared to most other people in the canyon, he's kind of a wussy. He's hesitant to do anything he's even remotely unsure of, and doesn't like taking risks at all. He's also very apt at jumping to conclusions, without stopping to think about how unlikely they actually are to have occured.

He's also not the brightest bulb in the garden. He fails to grasp such simple concepts as the number of days in a week, or the probable impossibility of time travel. He's also really bad at coming up with good come-backs, though he _is_ working on it.

Little did anyone know, the joke would be on them when Tucker would be proven absolutely right about the existence of time travel. You see, once upon a time this homicidal A.I. made everyone leave Blood Gulch except Tucker, Tex, and Donut, and end up in different places. Simmons would later bring everyone to Sidewinder, where Church would end up exploding, destroying the present and catapulting everyone through time. Tucker ended up in the future, where Caboose looks different, but is just a stupid. Unfortunately, only Tucker knew the Reds and Blues are the same, and everyone blamed him for destroying the present.

After meeting up with Tex and everyone else in the future to plant the bomb, Tucker fell in to a hole where he discovered some weird blue glowing thing resembling a two pronged sword, which he then used to dispatch of the Red Zealot. Suddenly, he wasn't that upset about the whole sniper rifle thing. Of course, it turned out the sword was the Great Weapon, destined to cause the destruction of the base it was found near if ever brought inside, which Tucker did. Now it's just a huge piece of bling to him.


	4. Tex

**Freelancer Allison (Tex)**

**Agent Texas **

**(according to Burnie and everybody, she was being sarcastic when she said she was Agent Nevada)**

Tex is a freelancer, which is like a mercenary. She's not actually officially affiliated with either team, but when Tucker called Blue Command for someone to get the flag back she was hired to do the job.

She was born and raised in Texas, which is where she got the nickname. She actually dated Church for quite a while, but ended up stepping out to cheat on him with his own money. She was also tough as nails, and still is. She was raised by strict parents who wanted her to go become a soldier.

While in military school, Tex got recruited in to an experimental project to infuse her armor with a highly aggressive A.I. named O'Malley. The aggressive nature of the A.I. mixed with her own natural aggression to accentuate the code of the A.I., turning it in to a homicidal program that would end up taking control of her. Everyone in this program was given a name after a state. Tex's was Nevada.

This is how she would arrive in Blood Gulch; controlled by the A.I. O'Malley, but with enough aggression of her own to retain the use of her own voice. Her armor also had a voice box to remodulate her voice to that of a deep-voiced man, but it got destroyed during her assault on the red base while trying to regain the blue team's flag.

During her raid on the red base, she blew up Donut with a grenade, sending him back to Red Command for medical care. After Donut got back with his brand spanking new pink armor, he blew Tex up with a grenade while she was driving the tank. A little bit before she got blown up, the A.I. left her armor. She became a spirit like Church, only she can't manifest herself without taking over someone else's body, or that of a robot.

Tex would later enter Caboose's mind with Church and forcefully extract O'Malley, sending him to inhabit Doc's body by an unbelievable fluke. When the rest of the people in Blood Gulch left to find him, Tex finally returned to re-inhabit a black robot Sarge had built, only to discover the only living person left in the Gulch was Donut, who had killed her. Putting their differences aside, they coexisted long enough to take a modified transporter to Sidewinder, where she got herself captured by O'Malley. Then Church exploded, sending everyone careening through time.

Tex found herself sent to the future, in the aftermath of the bomb. She took it upon herself to investigate the whereabouts of O'Malley, and eventually tracked him down in his newly claimed secret lair, a giant building in the middle of the open land. Ironic how she found exactly what she was looking for.

Once she'd found him, she sent out a message to anyone else who was sent to the future with her, and discovered everyone except Church. She set up a bomb and had Caboose carry it in for her, because in her robot body she has very little strength. She single-handedly shot Lopez in the disembodied head during the raid, and then Tucker found the sword, and now she has sword envy.


	5. Sarge

**Sarge**

Sarge is the Sargeant of the red team, making him the only actual officer in the entire canyon. He's a gruff southerner, with all that entails, right down to the fiery temper. He was abused as a child, which had a deep psychological effect on him. Sarge may appear entirely angry on the outside, but deep down he just wants to be loved.

As a young boy, he showed a remarkable aptitude for engineering. He worked for Microsoft before being shipped to Blood Gulch, and was Steve Ballmer's speech writer for the PDC conference in 2001. He was always seeking ways to broaden his horizons, though, and spent some time at nursing assistant school, learning an incidental amount of biology along the way.

Almost as soon as arriving in the canyon, he becomes very, very fed up with Grif. In Sarge's eyes, Grif's already dead; he just doesn't know it yet. Conversely, he actually thinks of Simmons as an illegitimate son. It turns out the massively huge amount of sucking up Simmons does ends up having the desired effect on Sarge, successfully ingraciating himself with the commanding officer. There are actually times when Simmons doing something makes perfect sense, but Grif doing the exact same thing pisses Sarge off to no end.

As the only officer, he's also the only person with the authority to leave the canyon of his own volition. This is an ability that comes in handy sometimes, for instance when he has a meeting to attend back on Earth. He's also the only member of the red team that gets to talk to Red Command.

He also has a substantial amount of technical training. He built Lopez before the show began, and he continues putting his mechanical skills to use while stationed in Blood Gulch. He programmed Lopez to be a better mechanic than him though, so while Lopez is around he doesn't have to do that much repairing. He actually programmed Lopez to hate Grif, which brings him near and dear to his heart - even closer than Simmons.

Indeed, Sarge's advanced technical abilities would end up proving to be more trouble than they're worth. When the Blue Team was negotiating the return of Private Donut, they had Sarge build two robots for them. Thinking ahead, Sarge put a radio transmitter in one, and a ten megaton bomb in the other. When O'Malley's power hunger twisted fate so that everyone ended up in different places, Sarge and Caboose had to escape from a world where things just didn't make sense; people wouldn't die! After reuniting with Simmons, Caboose pressed a button to start the countdown on Church's bomb.

In an ironic twist, Sarge's forward-thinking ways would work against him, as he deliberately designed the bomb in such a way that he wouldn't be able to defuse it, in case he were ever captured by the Blues and forced to work for them. The bomb exploded, and the present was destroyed, sending everyone careening through time. Sarge ended up in the future with the rest of the Reds, Tucker and Caboose, where the adage "The more things change, the more they stay the same" was indisputedly proven.

Not to be outdone by a simple explosion triggering time travel, Sarge remained in control in this new environment. He repaired a Warthog jeep that Donut found, and rigged it to work off solar power. When it picked up a distress signal, he got Grif and Simmons in the jeep and drove off to find it, leaving Donut to find his own way there, which he did. The distress signal was coming from Blood Gulch, where Sarge continues to command the Red team with stunning ability.


	6. Richard Dick Simmons

**Pvt. Richard Dick Simmons**

Simmons is a big kissass for Sarge. There's just about nothing he won't do for him, including poisoning his own team member, Grif. Fortunately for him, the immense amount of sucking up and kissing Sarge's ass pays off, making him Sarge's favorite Private.

He's Dutch Irish, with all that entails. Basically, he can _really_ hold his liquor. He's also a little easy to rile up sometimes. As everybody should be, Simmons is very proud of his heritage, and becomes increasingly pissed off as Grif continues thinking he's Spanish.

It turns out that before joining the military, he was a computer programmer. He was also very, very good at his job. He was so good, in fact, that Microsoft recuited him to help on Windows Longhorn as a department head, and invited him to the 2003 PDC conference in L.A. He just couldn't leave his friends in the Gulch to work on code, though, and ended up returning to continue fighting the good fight.

His experience coding helped make him very analytical. He still likes to evaluate any given situation before making a judgment or decision on it, which only helps solidify Sarge's approval of him.

Unfortunately, this constant desire for approval would become a crutch, and Achilles' Heel if you will. Simmons has come to rely on Sarge for the love and support he never received from his own father, who was always far too drunk to do anything more than sleep on the couch and vomit.

After getting isolated from everyone in what might have been a janitor's closet, Simmons applied his analytical and mechanical engineering skills to reprogram several teleporters to do exactly what he wanted, "accidentally" finding Sarge and Caboose along the way. He later managed to collect everyone on Sidewinder, where the present was promptly destroyed by a ten megaton bomb in the stomach of the robot Church happened to be inhabiting at the time. He was sent through time to the future, where he continues to suck up to Sarge.

Shortly after arriving, the Warthog was discovered, and it was revealed that Simmons has absolutely no imagination. He later picked up a distress signal on the repaired jeep, and isolated the direction it was coming from. He, Sarge and Grif went chasing it soon after, only to discover it was coming from Blood Gulch. And this after he got the strange feeling he'd never see the place again.


	7. Dexter Grif

**Pvt. Dexter Grif**

Dexter Grif was a child of privilege. He came from a rather wealthy family, and never really had to worry about anything until he decided to join the military. He never found acceptance in school, due to his family's wealth, so he spent his time focusing on his schoolwork, becmoing surprisingly well educated. He also gained such a good grasp of sarcasm that it actually goes over other people's heads sometimes. Despite his overall intelligence, he has very little worldly knowledge. He genuinely thinks Simmons is a Spanish name, and wasn't able to figure out Lopez was a robot.

He also never ever took care of his body. Having the childhood advantages he did, he spent all his spare time playing video games naked in a bean bag chair eating cheetos. He took up smoking at an early age, and never picked up anything resembling a workout schedule. As a result, he's really out of shape, barely able to run a few hundred feet. Lucky for him the position of sniper doesn't generally require a whole lot of running around, because he is the closest thing the reds have to one.

Grif's kind of a rebel though. He has a tattoo on the back of his neck from the comic book Blade, and somehow he got really in to skateboarding and doing tricks. People have tried to figure out when he started skateboarding, but it will likely end up being a mystery for all time. Odds are he did it so he could get around using only one leg, to continue being lazy. When N.A.S.A. sent a stupid amount of rovers to Blood Gulch for a brief time, he built a giant ramp to do tricks on. Then he fell and hurt himself, learned his lesson and dismantled the ramp.

It came as a complete surprise to him when he was jailed on Sidewinder with his good enemy Church. During his short stint in the clink with Church he became hard, institutionalized... at least that's what he told people. When Church exploded, destroying the present, Grif was sent forward in time to the future, where he uncovered a sad little secret: Simmons has absolutely no imagination.

When Simmons picked up a distress signal in the rebuilt Warthog, Grif was monkeying about in the back seat. Once the direction it was coming from was isolated, Sarge tried to leave Grif behind by leaving him to spy on the Blues, but that lasted just until Grif discovered the Blues were talking to a bomb as if it would talk back. He ended up riding in the jeep with Sarge and Simmons to get back to the source of the distress signal, only to discover it was coming from Blood Gulch.

This disappointed Grif.


	8. Franklin DeLano Donut

**Pvt. Franklin DeLano Donut**

He's the red team's rookie. He grew up in Iowa, and led a very simple life before joining the marines. When he was born, his parents had high hopes for his future, even naming him after a former President of the United States of America: Franklin Delano Roosevelt. They must have figured Mexico was going to invade, and insisted he take Spanish lessons in school as well.

When he first came to Blood Gulch, he had no idea what he was in for, but he was ready for it none the less. He thought he was there to fight aliens, when in fact it was all to face down a bunch of blue guys. Still, no matter why he was there, he was set on doing the best job he could, to make his parents proud.

He came to the Gulch fresh out of military school.; He still had the standard issue red armor and everything. He even had a pretty good head on his shoulders. Unfortunately, the crazy situation of Blood Gulch would take its toll on him, and he slowly slipped further and further toward the general level of insanity found elsewhere in the canyon.

When he first arrived, his naivity actually worked to his advantage. Grif and Simmons sent him on a bogus errand to pick up some items that don't exist, and he came back with the blue flag. He wasn't told at this point that the blues were his enemies, and thought he was buying it at the general store.

Alas, Donut's luck would prove to be short lived. He barely had time to deposit the flag in the red base before a grenade got stuck to his head and then exploded, knocking him out and injuring him so badly he'd have to go back to Earth for healing.

He was never the same after that. When back at Red Command he got to choose a new color for his armor as a reward for capturing the blue flag, and he picked pink. His brain was also damaged by the explosion, giving him a severe sense of gender confusion that only got worse as he spent more time in the canyon. Among his current aspirations are Secret Agent, and Internet Model.

After being left in Blood Gulch with an intelligent tank as everyone else pursued the psychotic A.I. and the doctor it had posessed, Donut was guided by Simmons through the radio Tex was inhabiting on how to reprogram the Red base's teleporter to take everyone to Sidewinder, where Church exploded and destroyed the present. Donut was sent careening through time to the future, where he discovered a new talent: scriptwriting!

After a mechanical accident took some of his fingers, Donut drank some orange juice and got back on his feet. After the Warthog was made functional again, there wasn't enough room in it to fit all four of the Red team, so he was left behind. He then found one of the purple alien vehicles and followed them, all the way back to Blood Gulch.


	9. Doc

**Medical Officer Frank DuFresne (Doc)**

Mr. DuFresne was raised by hippies; no two ways about it. He was taught the art of Feng Shui, and still carries motivational posters around with him of small cats in cruel situations that would have PETA jumping up and down. He grew up in southern Louisiana, and was brought up to believe in peace and love. As a result of his unique upbringing, he is now a devout pacifist.

Being raised in peace, he didn't believe in competition. In high school, the only athletic competitions that interested him were those within the realm of Track & Field, because they are not directly competitive in any way at all. Eventually his ingrained belief in helping people led him to Medical School, based largely on the first part of the Hypocratic Oath: _Thou shalt do no harm_.

Unfortunately, he wasn't a very good student. Part of being raised by hippies is growing to love various mind enhancing drugs, and it's sort of difficult to do well in school when you're too stoned to see. He made a vested effort to clean up his act near the end, but it just wasn't enough. Ultimately, Frank DuFresne failed out of Medical School.

The sudden realisation that he might never be able to practice medicine hit DuFresne hard. He fought against bouts of depression and fatigue, and was just about to surrender to his morbid urges when he was suddenly contacted by Vic at Blue Command to service the troops.

With a renewed devotion to his craft, he went off for a crash course given by the military medical personnel, and received his new title: Medic. Almost immediately after graduating from his one week course, he was sent to Blood Gulch to service both the blues and the reds, due to low funding.

DuFresne would have had a much better time in the canyon if it weren't for his hippie upbringing. It turns out nobody in Blood Gulch was particularly responsive to his timid, careful demeanor, and he once again found himself with no friends. It was almost a boon when the homicidal A.I. O'Malley took over his body and gave him some aggression.

Not only did DuFresne become more aggressive, he actually learned to accommodate the A.I. O'Malley and develop what seems at first glance to be a split personality. In this new environment, O'Malley took DuFresne to Sidewinder, where he began his plans for world domination. As the O'Malley A.I. continues to grow stronger within him, DuFresne can do little more than object, as his peaceful nature remains in tact, even after being blown in to the future by a ten megaton bomb inside Church's adopted body.

In the future, DuFresne did his very best to keep O'Malley in check, but ended up being little more than an annoyance to him. The A.I. now almost entirely in control of his body, he was forced to do things he didn't want to do, right up until the point The Great Destroyer punched him in the face. At this time, nobody knows if he is alive or dead.


	10. O'Malley

**O'Malley/Omega**

O'Malley is a homocidal Artificial Intelligence that was originally named Omega back at the research station. It moves between hosts via radio frequencies. A few years ago, it was implanted in to the armor of a young marine recruit named Tex. The aggressive intelligence of O'Malley would work with Tex's natural aggression, making her one of the most feared mercenaries in the known galaxy.

Shortly after Tex was hired to murder the red team in Blood Gulch, O'Malley caught wind of a cunning plan by Church to warn the reds of Tex's impending arrival, and left Tex's armor via long-range radio frequencies to enter Caboose's armor.

The small-minded Caboose stood absolutely no chance against the brutally cunning O'Malley. It quickly started turning Caboose's own mental images of those around him against him, driving itself deeper in to his psyche. It took Church and Tex entering Caboose's mind to forcefully drive the A.I. O'Malley from him.

As O'Malley left Caboose, it could find no radio signals to latch on to in order to continue surviving. It was about to shut down forever when it suddenly caught a radio transmission from Doc, and quickly entered its new host.

Again, O'Malley encountered little resistance within Doc. In a one-on-one battle between a homicidal maniac and a pacifist, the maniac is going to win every time, and this time was no exception. O'Malley quickly conquered Doc, and used him to attack both the blues and the reds, and to kidnap Lopez and take him hostage through the teleporter.

Once through the teleporter and safely on Sidewinder, O'Malley began plotting his Universe domination. He reprogrammed Lopez to do his evil bidding, and completed the weather control device Sarge had begun within Lopez. Then, something O'Malley wasn't expecting occured: the present was destroyed by a ten megaton bomb. O'Malley in Doc's body was sent to the future as if in a Delorean, where he claimed a new evil laboratory to continue his evil ways. Evilly.

Still set on taking over the Universe, he began building an army. His first recruit was the Red Zealot, but the recruiting process was cut short by the sudden (and rude) invasion by the Reds and Blues. O'Malley was driven out, but not defeated. He regrouped as Lopez built his brand new robot army, and began an assault on his former base. During the attack, however, he was attacked by The Great Destroyer. To this day, nobody knows what happened to him.

Just like Church, when O'Malley is in someone else's body he's simply that colour. His voice is much deeper than anyone else's, and he is often shot in extreme close-up mode.


	11. Lopez the Heavy

**Lopez the Heavy**

Lopez is a robotic mechanic built by Sarge. Unfortunately, when Sarge built him Red Command was out of speech units, so it takes a while for him to be able to say anything. Even more unfortunately, when the speech unit finally does arrive it gets damaged by a static electric discharge during the installation process, only allowing him to speak one language: Spanish.

During the construction process, Sarge had a specific switch he wanted to install to enable Lopez to take control of the Warthog he knew would be delivered by Command. Even more unfortunately than everything else up to this point, a massive amount of dirt found its way inside the switch, damaging it in such a way as to make it cause other parts of his mechanical body to malfunction.

When he's first introduced to the rest of the red team, he's driving the Warthog in for demonstration. For the duration of his stay with the reds, he goes out of his way to take very good care of it. Sarge also programmed Lopez to hate Grif, which brings him close to Sarge's heart.

Eventually, Church ends up taking control of him and bringing his body over to the blue base. When Church tries to activate the repair function of Lopez's body, with the help of Tucker, they accidentally use Lopez's built-in control of the Warthog until disabling the transmitter, which also paralyzes Lopez from the waist down.

In order to fix Lopez's legs, Church is forced to leave his robotic body, allowing him to escape. This wouldn normally have been very beneficial, but the reds didn't know what was going on, and tried to kill him thinking he was working with the blues.

In a fit of depression, Lopez resigns himself to helping the blues fix their tank Sheila. Once finished, Sheila's A.I. came on and Lopez immediately felt a fondness for her.

They started spending an enormous amount of time together, getting to know each other very well. After they'd had a chance to discuss the situation in the canyon, they came to the conclusion that the robots and vehicles were being mistreated, and left to start their own robot army.

Unfortunately, this robot army was short lived, as Lopez was soon kidnapped by the homicidal A.I. O'Malley inside Doc's body. After being taken through the Red team's teleporter to Sidewinder, Lopez was reprogrammed by O'Malley to do his evil bidding, and the weather control device Sarge had implanted in Lopez next to the Red team's plans was then completed. Just as things were starting to look good for O'Malley and Lopez, the present was destroyed, and Lopez was literally blown to pieces. His disembodied head was flown to the future, where he held witty conversations with Doc and O'Malley in head form.

He and O'Malley took over a building and called it their Evil Lair. When the Reds and Blues attacked, Lopez's head was knocked off a turret, to a place where he was later scooped up by O'Malley. Not to be defeated so easily, Lopez constructed an entire army of similarly designed robots, his _new_ Robot Army, designed to achieve victory in exactly 24 hours. It was destroyed by The Great Destroyer, however, and shortly after they went down The Great Destroyer got him too. Nobody knows Lopez's current situation.


	12. Red Zealot

**Red Zealot**

This particular zealot was fed a lot of sugar as a kid... a _looooot_ of sugar. He was fed so much sugar, in fact, that he became mortally addicted to it. Today, he can't go more than two hours without sugar, or else he goes in to a withdrawal seizure. Of course, always being stoned on sugar has a rather curious side-effect: he's always hyper.

When you spend all your time running around and hitting things on a perpetual sugar high, people take notice of you. It just happens that one day a Spartan recruiter spied our overzealous friend beating up a tree with his face, and winning, and the recruiter decided he would be the right man to join the Spartans. So began his intense military training.

Unfortunately, none of The Zealot's Sargeants were able to control him. Between his constant hyperactivity, and his persistent belief that he lives in a Kevin Smith movie, the drill Sargeants were forced to give up on making him a proper, bonafide soldier.

Instead, they dropped him in Battle Creek and pumped him full of experimental drugs meant to accentuate the personality traits he happened to have in abundance already. There he was able to run freely and give didactic speeches to his heart's content. He felt so comfortable in Battle Creek, in fact, that he managed to successfully capture the blue flag!

But alas, all good things must come to an end. Shortly after gaining the flag, it was taken from him by the Blue forces occupying Battle Creek, and he was forced to start over from scratch. Even now, at his advanced age of fifteen, he plots his revenge...

At least, he did until he was brought to Sidewinder by Simmons, and subesquently blown in to the future by Church and co. Once there, he finally managed to fulfill his dream: to work for the gatekeeper of the palace! Little did he know that he is now a slave in bondage, a pawn in the almost clever game of O'Malley.

Doing O'Malley's evil bidding, he engaged the Reds and Blues in battle, firing valiantly from behind a giant gun turret. Ultimately, however, he was murdered from the side by a man named Tucker. Upon his death, he saw the Flag. It was so... flappy. Rest in Peace, Red Zealot.


	13. Vic

**Vic**

He runs the blue base. He just might be the single most laid-back base commander in the history of the world. He listens to annoyingly upbeat music, and is really quite good at distributing military-grade sarcasm.

Unfortunately for the boys in Blood Gulch, it seems Vic has been making good use of his Secret Service Tactical training. Not only is he an expert negotiator, but it also appears he's been running a bizarre experiment on the soldiers. Like rats in a maze, Vic keeps the marines in Blood Gulch totally unaware of what's actually going on.

At least, that's what he's _trying_ to do... It turns out Blue Private Tucker overheard Vic talking with Red Sargeant Sarge about ordering an airstrike on the Blues, at which time Tucker figured out there actually _is no Red vs Blue._ Fearful of losing all his investors, Vic collaborated with the A.I. O'Malley to hire a freelancer named Wyoming to kill Tucker, which only proved to lead to the destruction of the present. If Vic was sent through time with everyone else, nobody knows.


	14. Wyoming

**Freelancer Wyoming (Reggie)**

Once upon a time, there was an advanced Artificial Intelligence program run by the Spartan Forces. From this program, many soldiers gained the heightened abilities the A.I. joining process lent them. Each of these soldiers was codenamed for a State, so there are forty-nine of them due to the unfortunate demise of Florida. This particular soldier was codenamed "Wyoming."

Wyoming was born in England, and was raised to love Queen and Crumpets. Unfortunately, his parents weren't quite as loving as his homeland. They beat him and punished him for things he never even did. This made him a very disturbed young man, and drove him to join the Spartans.

Almost immediately, he showed an aptitude for uncontrollable violence. The scientists in charge of the A.I. program quickly offered him a place in their ranks, and Wyoming graciously accepted. Then he punched the recruiting officer for taking too long.

When joined with his A.I., Wyoming suddenly became hardened, and much more in control of himself. He became capable of taking his time to carefully plan how he was going to execute his mark, rather than just shooting them in the face with a shotgun. He trained with a wide variety of weapons, including the sniper rifle he became very proficient in.

Near the end of his training, Wyoming realised the Spartan Forces just weren't for him. He had grown to be a ruthless killer, and the Spartans were far too orderly for him. Taking the lead from his fellow program initiate Tex (Nevada), Wyoming left the Spartan Forces to become a freelancer. He is now one of the most dangerous guns for hire in the known galaxy.

Unfortunately, Wyoming is far too diligent in his efforts. While attempting to take out Tucker on Sidewinder, he inadvertently allowed the ten megaton bomb that was Church to explode, destroying the present and sending everyone travelling through time. To this day, nobody knows the whereabouts of Wyoming.


	15. Andy

**Andy**

ANDY'S THE BOMB! He was created many years ago, in the same factory that produced Sheila, the tank. Actually, rumor has it he was created at the same _time_ as Sheila too. They used to be fast friends, but then Sheila got shipped out.

Andy was heartbroken. He spent the days starting up his timer, then stopping it at 1 second, then repeating the process. Honestly, Andy was a wreck. Finally, one day he talked his way on to a Spartan transport ship destined for Sidewinder.

He tried making friends with his travelling companions, but they just didn't understand him. There was something about humans that just rubbed Andy the wrong way. When the transport arrived at Sidewinder, Andy got off and bid his companions adieu, only to be blasted in to the future by a big fucking bomb. Somehow, Andy wasn't thrown as far in to the future as the rest of time was. He stopped a few hundred years short, and found a race he could actually relate to.

Andy and his new friends got along incredibly well until the time of the Great Destroyer drew near, and his friends went in to hiding for fear of imminent death and excrutiating pain. It didn't help matters any that his friends already knew Andy was going to be the one to _cause_ some of that pain, whether he knew it or not. Now that he's failed to detonate, however, his friends have started to come out of hiding...


	16. Alien

**Alien**

The alien was born on the planet Garwen, and is the last of its race. Many thousands of years ago, its people and those that built the great machine Gary engaged in chemical warfare, and both sides were annihilated. Only a handful of its species survived, and most died shortly thereafter due to latent poison and radiation.

Somehow, though, this particular being was special. Rather than being killed by the mutagens and radiation, its body was changed and mutated. The upper and lower jaws began protruding forward, and the teeth became more pronounced. The arms extended, and the upper body became so strong that its back could no longer hold it upright, and it now must crouch just to remain standing. Truly, it is a hideous sight.

However, it clearly didn't always look this way. Back in the inception of its species, the Garwenians looked very similar to humans, hence the confusion in Gary's processor when confronted by Church. Much to the alien's dismay, it was granted unnaturally long life as well, a practical infinity of time in which to stew over the extinction of the rest of its species.

Unfortunately for everyone else, as its rage grew so did its stench. After being alive and alone for thousands of years, it no longer cared about bathing, and let it slip by the wayside. When it finally found a working ship in which to travel to the planet of its race's destroyers, it took advantage of the little ship and flew halfway across the Galaxy to get there. Had it not landed in the ocean, it would still have stunk after landing.

Where once there was an entire species, lavish with art and music, there now is just one being, demented and deformed, driven to only one goal: to put an end to the species left it in permanent solitude.


	17. The Great Weapon

**The Great Weapon**

The Great Weapon was built many thousands of years ago, even before the Genetics Wars that created the Great Destroyer. Five thousand years before it was found by the people who wiped out the Garwenians, it was instrumental in ending another massive conflict: it was used to obliterate both sides of the war, and everything else on the planet as well.

When it was unearthed five thousand years later, its discoverers immediately realized what it was after running a few tests on it. They discovered that although it may _look_ like just a standard melee weapon, it holds power much greater than that. Power so great that it must never be discovered.

They built an entire complex just to house the weapon and keep it safe from prying eyes, and then built a second complex nearby whose sole purpose was to maintain the first complex. They understood that if the weapon were ever unearthed by people who did not understand its full capabilities, only massive tragedy on an unimaginable scale would follow.

Unfortunately, over time, the building itself that was housing the weapon began to break down structurally. The cooling unit directly above it developed a small hole, just large enough for a person to squeeze through, and over time the hole became larger. It was only a matter of time, then, until Tucker would fall through the hole and discover the weapon.

Not knowing any better, Tucker took the weapon and began thrashing it around in the air, striking people with it and killing them. There is no conceivable way he could ever comprehend the amount of power he wields, and as long as he never does just the wrong thing the world remains safe.

Unfortunately, it's not Tucker anyone has to be worried about. The second facility was built because the race's seers looked in to the future during the Genetics Wars, and foresaw their doom at the hands of a member of the Garwenian race. Desperate to stem their own destruction, they engaged in germ warfare in an effort to preserve their future selves. Little did they know they were creating the one creature they needed to fear the most...


	18. Caboose's Mind

**Caboose's Mind**

Name: Church Armor: Light Blue Description: A whiny asshole. Caboose's sidekick

Name: Tucker Armor:Aqua Description: A manslut who eats all the food, and is an idiot

Name: Michael J. Caboose Armor: Blue Description: Perfectly calm, and level-headed. The master of all around him

Name: Sarge Armor: Dark Red Description: Speaks in a pirate accent, but thinks it's a southern accent

Name: Grif Armor: Yellow Description: Deathly afraid of Caboose and his sidekick, Church

Name: Donut Armor: Pink Description: A girl

Name:O'Malley Armor: Greenish dark grey Description: The homicidal A.I., working very hard to murder Caboose from within


	19. Jimmy

**Pvt. Jimmy**

Jimmy was born in a small town in Louisiana. He was raised Christian, and has always held to his proper southern virtues and Christian morals. When he heard of the coming war between the Spartans and the Covenant, Jimmy did what he felt was right: he enlisted.

His girlfriend was not exactly pleased about his choice in this matter. She would have preferred Jimmy stay home, not putting himself in mortal danger in front of almost certain death. But Jimmy was set on his course, and not even the naked body of his girlfriend could sway him. Now, you might say "If he holds true to Christian values, why was he seeing his girlfriend naked?" That's a good question, but I'm trying to tell a story here. Just go with it.

After enlisting, Jimmy quickly finished his Spartan training and found himself stationed on Sidewinder. He got very close to one of his fellow soldiers, a Private named Church, who was also from the south and was named after a place Jimmy used to go every Sunday.

Jimmy and Church became fast friends, talking about all sorts of things. It turned out Church had a girlfriend back on Earth too, so they had something they could relate to in each other. Unfortunately, just as they were in a meaningful, heartfelt conversation about their distant girlfriends, Church's beau showed up and started murdering the squadron wearing invisible armor.

Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it. Somehow Church escaped the massacre, and he would later report Jimmy's last words to be "This doesn't seem physically possible!" Not physically possible indeed, Jimmy. Rest in peace, good buddy.


	20. Butch Flowers

**Captain Butch Flowers**

Captain Flowers was born in a hospital in New York City, in Queens. His parents immediately knew there was something strange about him, and very quickly changed the name they were going to give him from Kyle to Butch. After all, it's not every day a baby is born with a pink bow around its head and an Aspirin allergy.

His dad did everything he could to make sure he had a balanced upbringing. He taught Butch all about teamwork and fair play, but also instructed him in the art of death. By age 8, Butch was able to murder bums in alleys with his bare hands. Being an instrument of death wasn't really what he was passionate about though; he wanted to work in Interior Design.

By the time he was 15, Butch had figured out his classmates and friends weren't taking too kindly to his flambouyant style. He'd wear solid pastel color shirts to school with pink pants, and get teased endlessly for it. As such, he quickly learned to hide his true nature as best he could, holding it all in. He managed to conceal everything except for one aspect of his life: his voice. No matter what he did, he never lost that smooth dulset voice of his.

As the years rolled on, Butch began to suffer mentally from hiding his true self from everybody around him. Once at a party he simply stripped naked and danced in the fruit punch, just for some sort of release. Thinking quickly, his father remembered what he'd taught him, and enrolled him in the Spartan Forces.

For five years Flowers struggled in the marines until finally, one day, he just snapped. Unable to contain himself any longer, he broke in to his commanding officer's room and redecorated the whole place. When he was almost finished, his CO walked in and saw what he was doing. Caught in the act, Flowers blushed and made the worst excuse in military history, so bad that I don't even dare reprint it here. For his lunacy, he was immediately promoted and shipped off to Blood Gulch to command forces as competent as he was.

In this new situation, he fell back on what he knew. He began expressing himself more, and made a point of ensuring his subordinates always felt free to speak their minds. He had just finished fine tuning the teleporter when he encountered Private Church from the future, who didn't know about his allergy and injected him with Aspirin in an ironic attempt to save his life. Captain Butch Flowers died shortly thereafter, just a few hours before ordering Private Tucker his sniper rifle. Rest in Peach, Captain Flowers.


	21. Phil

**Phil**

Phil was very lonely as a child. He was always the odd kid out when teams were being picked for kickball, he never had many friends, and he was basically pathetic. He joined up with the Spartans in order to prove to everyone he could be a hero, but alas, it was too late for poor Phil.

The problem with Phil joining the Spartans was that he simply didn't have the demeanor for it. As a result of his upbringing, he was very cynical, very pessimistic, and very depressed. While these are traits that would serve him well if he wanted to try out for the role of Marvin on **Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy**, they're not very becoming of a Spartan soldier.

It therefore came as no surprise to anyone when Phil became the company stooge. People picked on him, made fun of him behind his back, threw stuff at him like slushballs with mud and ice in them... life for Phil just wasn't very good. If something needed painting, he was always the man for the job. However, Phil never complained to anyone except himself about his ill treatment, because the Spartans pay well enough for him to support his child, who he's raising alone... his wife left him because he was always depressed.

Perhaps Phil's crowning moment came when a freelancer named Wyoming mistook him for a robot named Lopez. After a very brief interrogation that involved a cellphone, Wyoming found himself in a hurry and shot Phil in the face with a pistol. Rest in peace, good buddy.


	22. The Warthog

**The Warthog**

The Warthog gets delivered to the Red team in episode 2. It's a jeep that looks like a puma, with a big gun on the back. Sarge calls it the Warthog because the tow hooks in the front look like tusks, and warthogs have tusks. So does a walrus though, which is one of the contributing factors to Sarge hating Grif.

The Warthog is good for many things. It's a light reconnaisance vehicle, allowing transportation for up to three people. It also has a really big chain gun, which allows it to be used for attacks. Ironically, the thing this jeep is best at is getting blown up by the blues. Considering how long the series is, the Warthog spends a surprisingly short amount of time in perfect working order.

Shortly after Doc arrives in the canyon, Lopez's control transmitter for the Warthog is triggered and it is controlled by the blues for a time. On its way to attacking Sarge, it kidnaps Doc, ironically making the reds think Doc was stealing it. It didn't actually kill Sarge, as control over it was lost in the nick of time. After that event, it returned to being nothing more than a vehicle.

After the present was destroyed by a ten megaton bomb named Church, nobody knows what happened to the poor Warthog jeep. However, another jeep _just like it_ was found by Donut in the future. After Sarge repaired it, Simmons and Grif ran it under a tree where its solar panels were blocked and it ran out of juice. Then it regained power, and picked up a distress call from Tex. Then it picked up another distress call, and Sarge, Simmons and Grif piled in to it to trace it back to its origins of Blood Gulch. This is once again the Warthog's home.


	23. Sheila

**Sheila**

Once upon a time, there was an American automobile company. Not surprisingly, they made cars. They turned such a profit doing this that they were asked by the Spartans to build their tanks. Of course, the only reason they turned such a profit was that they were far too cheap to keep their factories in the U.S., and instead outsourced everything to Mexico.

The end result of this marriage of skills was a very fruitful relationship, in which the Spartans got to spend their entire vehicle budget on almost nothing, and the car company got to rake in the money. Along the way, several tank designs were totally fucked up and discarded, until seventeen years and hundreds of failed tanks later the M808B Scorpion Battle Tank was designed.

The great thing about these tanks was that they came with an onboard Artificial Intelligence. The first one they came up with was named Phyllis, and this was the A.I. contained in the tank Blue Command sent to Blood Gulch. The A.I. was designed for simple tasks, such as controlling subroutines and running tutorials for people who had no earthly business being inside it, however that all changed when the A.I.'s name got changed to Sheila, and the tank containing the A.I. was destroyed by an air strike.

After being repaired, she subsequently had a grenade explode in her canopy, killing Tex and damaging her again. This time she was repaired by Lopez, the Spanish-speaking robot captured from the Red team (sort of), and she immediately grew very close to him. After much private discussion, they decided the robots and vehicles were being severely mistreated in the canyon, and split from the blues to form their very own robot army.

Unfortunately, after not too long at all Lopez got himself kidnapped by a homicidal A.I. named O'Malley, and taken to Sidewinder, where she could not follow. As everyone except Donut and a wounded Tucker left Blood Gulch via the teleporter in pursuit, Sheila stayed behind, and quickly took up a motherly role to the soldiers still around. When Donut, Tucker and Tex as a robot went to Sidewinder, Sheila stayed behind to await their return. She sent out a distress call at Church's request, which drew the Reds back to Blood Gulch from the future.


	24. BattleCreek Reds

**BattleCreek Reds**

Several months ago, Red Command decided it would be a good idea to pump several soldiers full of an experimental drug designed to increase aggressiveness, and put them in Battle Creek to observe the results. The result of this experiment was the Battle Creek Reds, and it wasn't pretty.

The drug had three unexpected side effects. First, it raised the voice of anyone who ingested it by no less than one full octave. Second, everyone who took it became insanely hyper, as if on a permanent manic swing of bipolar disorder. Third, death was no longer permanent when accompanied by the playing of the song Reveille.

That's right, as long as there is someone around to play Reveille, none of the Battle Creek Reds can become permanently deceased. When it was discovered that Blue Command had been testing a similar drug on the same land region, things went from bad to worse, as a fourth side effect was discovered: the emergence of unbelievable amounts of stupidity.

As it stands, the Battle Creek Reds are locked in permanent combat with the Battle Creek Blues, constantly being killed and resurrected to continue the pointless bloodletting. The Reds have only one advantage over the Blues: **Hambone**. Hambone acts as both inspiration and abusive Uncle to the Battle Creek Reds, giving them a slight edge in the endless conflict. Whether that will be enough, only time can tell.


	25. BattleCreek Blues

**BattleCreek Blues**

Sometimes, Vic has entirely too much influence over the happenings of Blue Command. One day he was passing around his special brownies, when he managed to convince everyone else at Blue Command to inject half a dozen soldiers with a brand new drug and drop them in Battle Creek, just to see what would happen. The results were found to be most amusing.

It turns out they gave their soldiers the wrong drug. Instead of the anti-wrinkle agent, they received an insanely high dose of a very potent anti-depressant. This was how Blue Command learned what happens when you give in to one of Vic's ideas. However, what was witnessed coming from Battle Creek after the troops were dropped off was something worth taking note of.

Nobody had ever taken this particular drug in such high quantities as the six "chosen" soldiers of Battle Creek, and some very interesting effects were revealed from the mistaken experiment. Everyone seemed really optimistic for some reason, and full of a seemingly endless supply of energy. One slightly frightening side-effect was revealed as well: Reveille could bring them back from the dead.

That's right, as long as someone's there to play Reveille, they need not ever die. The General at Blue Command immediately realised the problem with this situation, and recalled the drug for immediate destruction. To this day, the only remaining trace of the drug is within the six unlucky soldiers in to whom it was injected, locked in an endless battle with a Red army in surprisingly similar circumstances. All anyone can do now is watch the perpetual carnage, and wait for that damn trumpet player to get hit by a stray bullet.


	26. The Teleporter

**The Teleporter**

Perhaps the most overlooked member of the blue team, the Teleporter is also one of the most vital characters in all of Blood Gulch. It was assembled in the Spartan Factories on Earth, and transported to Blood Gulch later in the same month.

Unfortunately, one of the people wiring the hardware of the teleporter was fired halfway through the construction period. This would not normally have been so bad, except the surprise of being fired led the engineer in question to accidentally miswire one of its circuits. This led the teleporter to be highly susceptable to outside electrical signals.

It just so happens that the experimental A.I. procedures involving Tex and O'Malley were going on mere meters from the teleporter. Some of the dynamic and intelligent code was accidentally transmitted through the air, where it was received by the miswired circuits of the teleporter.

The blue team's teleporter is now so much more than a mere teleporter. In fact, it has spent so much time shuffling the blues from place to place that it's really quite tired of the repetitive task. In an effort to stop the blues from taking any further advantage of it, the teleporter has taken to attacking them on the way through.

In its efforts, the teleporter has started overheating anything that passes through it. Heated to a high enough temperature, all Spartan armor will char black and smoke. Of course, the added benefit of this for the teleporter is that it also causes an immense amount of pain to anybody passing through it. It even suspended Tucker in the nether of nothingness for quite a spell. There is only one time the teleporter didn't do anything to someone, and that was when Church and Tucker went to New York... that's punishment enough.

Unfortunately, something very unexpected would soon happen. In a totally unexpected turn of events that nobody could have predicted, the present was destroyed by a ten megaton bomb on Sidewinder. The teleporter had no control over its fate at this point, and only waits to discover where it has ended up.


	27. Ramp

**Ramp**

Once upon a time, there was a shapeless pile of cement. Well... okay, it was shaped like a pile. Thanks to some brilliant visionaries with an uncanny knack for planning ahead, the pile of cement was loved and cared for, and it eventually began to form itself in to something new and useful. Then, some moron with a shovel came along and destroyed it, and all that was left was a stupid ramp.

However, not to be discouraged, the people who had originally poured the pile continued to love and care for it. They gave it the occasional drink of water, and it happily changed color in response. It wasn't very long at all until someone from Red Command got in touch with the people caring for the ramp, asking for help.

It seems they were building a base in Blood Gulch, for no immediately discernable reason, and they were in need of just such a ramp. The ramp's caregivers happily volunteered their baby for the position, after checking with the ramp to make sure it was okay. With the ramp's go-ahead, it was air-lifted on to a transport ship, and quickly installed.

The ramp was very happy when the Reds arrived, because they were immediately finding use for it. On a daily basis they would run up and down the ramp, or run slowly on it. In exchange for being made so useful, the ramp offered its services as protector as well, offering the Reds safety and shelter whenever they needed it. It was truly a symbiotic relationship.

Then, the unthinkable happened... THE PRESENT WAS DESTROYED! To this day, nobody knows what has become of the ever-helpful ramp of the Reds. Only the Future knows what's in store...


End file.
